Update: Health, Grad School, and Holidays

What a year to end a decade--2019 has been a hell of a year...

I realize I have not posted or written on my blog since the spring. I have had the worst writers block and I think that TEDx Talk took a lot out of me. I have had both positive and negative reflections on the entire experience. I am just hoping it helps people in the most positive ways. 

TEDx Talk: I gave my talk in the beginning of April and it was up on YouTube a short month later. My very personal and vulnerable talk has been up on YouTube for almost 8 months and I have just reached 3k views. I have a few comments--most positive, one insulting and one sad. Honestly, it is the comments I get from friends, loved ones, and the encouraging conversations with people in person that gives me the most hope. If you have not had the chance to watch my TEDx Talk--here is a link.

Health: A few weeks ago I met with my cardiologist for my regular cardio check-up that I have about every three months. My mom was going to come but couldn't because of all the snow we got. While I was parking before my appt. my car got stuck in the snow--so I ended up being late to my appt. I was exhausted, alone, upset and did not want to be there. I hate going to the doctors. It is a lot of useless waiting and anxiety--even if you are on time.

Before I meet with my cardiologist, I have to meet with the device nurses. I sit in this chair with this hunk of technology sitting over my heart so the nurse can download and transfer my heart rhythm readings to my cardiologist from my tiny ass heart monitor that is in my chest. The nurse seemed to be taking her time, so I asked her if she had found anything. The nurse told me that she found that I have been having more PVCs or Premature Ventricular Contractions. I like to call them early beats which is something that is less science-y and makes more sense to me.

My cardiologist first found I was having these early beats more frequently in Fall of 2018--if I remember correctly. My PVCs have been coming and going. But when I met with my cardio doc in August, I wasn't having them. So whenever, something like this comes back and I can feel it in my chest while it is happening-- my health becomes frightening and annoying. 

However, the reason I have this internal heart monitor is because I was feeling these arrhythmias in my chest and a few times it really scared me. Sometimes these feelings are nothing but just some fluttering in my chest but other times it comes aggressively and out of no where. 

My cardio doc told me that we just need to watch them and to let him know if it gets worse or subsides. I don't think he is very concerned--which is hopeful. But he also doesn't feel it. Either way, I know that I will be continuing to have ups and downs with my health--like I have been for awhile. 

Grad School: After a few months of working as a parent educator and parent supervisor with children in Child Protection Services, I felt like I was doing something I wanted to build more of a career out of. This summer I started thinking about applying for grad school to get my Master in Social Work. I decided to apply to Augsburg University in Minneapolis for their Fall 2020 MSW program. I am very excited and nervous. I will keep you updated!

Holidays: I hope everyone had bearable holidays. Some people do not realize how difficult the holiday season is for people with trauma and mental health issues. Please be kind and open-minded to your loved ones who are struggling for whatever reason.

Please let me know if you have any writing suggestions for me or other updates you would like to know. 

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Real Talk On My Newly Published TEDx Talk "Relationships After Rape"

It has been an entire two weeks since my TEDx Talk "Relationships After Rape" was published on the official TEDx Talk YouTube and social media platforms. It is surreal. Some how it feels like it has been out there longer. My depression, anxiety, eating disorder, PTSD etc. have been in full swing--still, yet worse than ever. I have been trying to learn how to cope with having such a personal traumatic experience shared with the world. I have an even stronger feeling of vulnerability and I am trying to turn that into encouragement by using feedback and comments from loved ones and strangers. I am glad that I was able to do this. I have received many encouraging feedback about how people are able to understand the mental, emotional and physical toll rape has on an individual. Part of the reason I did this talk is because of the numbness and the constant alone feeling I deal with--everyday. I honestly just hope my messages in my talk can help people understand, reach out, and cope. 

As you can see in the photo, I am wearing all white as I give my TEDx Talk. White symbolizes the American Woman Suffrage Movement. 

My advice to viewers of personal TEDx Talks is:

Watch. Listen. Learn. Empathize. Reach Out. Believe. No Judgement. Support. Love.

Photo by: Autumn Vagal

My Upcoming Events & TEDx Talk Live Stream Link

Photo taken by: Pastor Janel

Sunday, I had a private TEDx Talk brunch rehearsal with some close friends and family.

Today, I had my public TEDx Talk rehearsal at Hamline University, it went really well. I received many encouraging and positive comments about my performance and content. About a dozen people showed up.

Thank you Pastor Janel for surprising me--by coming to my TEDx rehearsal event this morning at Hamline. It was great to have your support in the audience.

Ultimately, both rehearsals helped me feel more comfortable while giving my talk. 

Tomorrow, Wednesday, April 3:

10:00AM TEDx Talk Rehearsal:

This is the "real" TEDx talk rehearsal that is put on by TEDx for sound, lighting, etc. This rehearsal is also for the speakers to get a sense of the stage and environment they will be speaking live on Friday. I am looking forward to this, yet also am very nervous. I know feel more centered and grounded after this rehearsal. It is like I have hacked into my high school theater brain and am just focusing on the performance and the memorization. Giving these rehearsals has made me realize how much I miss performing in front of an audience.

Here is a link to the TED website with more info on the my talk and other speakers!

Here is a link to my TEDx speaker profile!

12:30PM Nail Appointment:

Y'all know I am treating myself a little before I give this tough talk. Plus, I want my nails to look nice since I know I am going to be speaking with my hands. Of course I am going to share this excitement with some of my friends.

4:00PM Trauma Therapy:

I am so glad and thankful that I am having a counseling session this week--since my talk is on Friday. I know I will need my counselor's wise guidance. 

After therapy tomorrow, I am going to Superior to spend the night. Then am coming back with Anissa  (best friend) Thursday morning. Anissa is going to be helping me with my hair and makeup!

Friday, April 5:

In the morning, my mom is coming to the cities for my talk. I am planning on having a few friends come over to my apartment to hang out while I get ready. I believe I am supposed to be at the auditorium at 1:30PM. The event starts at 2:00PM. Here is a link for the live stream! 

I will be speaking around 6:00-6:30PM. The event will go until about 9:00PM. A bunch of us are going out (message me for more details if you are able to go) after the TEDx talk event at 9:30PM. We want to celebrate all of the work the speakers and TEDx coordinators did to make this remarkable event possible.

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Thank you all for your love and support for the trauma I am working through and for the encouragements while I am under pressure of giving this highly important TEDx Talk. 

My Emotional Roll-Coaster Week

Many positive and not-so-great things happened last week--all worth updating my blog about. I have been meaning to write a post for the last few days but have been distracted by a variety of things.

ICU VISIT: My neighbor, Gail, from my hometown--whom I have known practically my entire life--and who was the neighborhood mom growing up, always keeping an eye on us kids and making sure that we would stay out of trouble has been in the Intensive Care Unit for the past two weeks. She had a massive stroke and has been slowly improving each day. I was with her and the family for about ten days visiting in the ICU. I learned a lot about love and life. Too much to sum up in a blog post. 

NEW JOB: I got a new job as a Parent Supervisor and Educator with MN Families United! I will be working on child protection cases--supervising parents when they have their mandatory visits with their children. I will also be doing some parent education--which I have to do some more research on. I had my training yesterday and it went really well. I am so excited to be helping children and families become emotionally and mentally healthier.

TED TALK: My TED Talk is less than a month away and I have finalized my speech. Now I am just working on memorization and performance. I am so thrilled, excited, nervous, anxious, etc. to give it and to see everyone else's talks.

HEAD INJURY & ER VISIT: Early morning Monday (Feb. 25), I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom when I became dizzy, then fainted and hit my head on the way down. Dizziness and fainting happens inconveniently and frequently in my life. People don't realize how many times I have fallen, gotten dizzy, or even injured myself because of my POTs. However, just because it happens to me on a more frequent basis--doesn't mean that it isn't terrifying and isolating because it is. I didn't realize I had hit my head until later that day when I found a bruise and goose-egg on my forehead. I was still feeling shitty but not bad enough to go into the ER. 

Tuesday is when the throbbing pain in my head started and I found it difficult to concentrate, my legs were feeling extra weak, I was nauseous and even more dizzy than the day before. I didn't know what to do. It took me all day to finally decide that I should talk to my mom about if I should go see a doctor. for my head. We both thought I had a mild concussion. We decided that I should go to Urgent Care and she wanted me to find someone to bring me. I asked my cousin, Dana, and she was fabulous. When I arrived at Urgent Care, they were hesitant to even see me--the nurse said that if someone faints that they send them to the ER immediately. I saw a doctor and she said that I should go to the ER. So, I did. 

Dana dropped me off at the ER--she couldn't stay because she had her dog in the car with her. I also told her to go because it was getting late. I have been to the ER a few times by myself before. I thought I would be fine. I was wrong. I had an anxiety attack. It was awfully scary and an overall terrible experience because of my anxiety. I was feeling isolated, antsy and alone. Yet, I didn't want to bother anyone because it was late, on a week-day. I got myself through it by breathing and trying to sleep until the nurses needed to talk to me.

While I was in the ER, they found my potassium was low (just like my Nov. ER visit). #trending 

Since my potassium was low they gave me some nasty potassium powder mix to drink--which I did. It unfortunately upset my very empty stomach. I had a stomach ache for a few days after my ER visit. 

I ended up getting discharged late and had a lot of trouble sleeping. But Wednesday was my recovery day--I slept all day. That was helpful. I had to practically force myself to eat because of the nausea and the upset stomach. I knew that food would help my stomach from the pure potassium that I had drank the day before. My medication also affects my potassium levels, which could explain why it was low.

Low potassium affects our heart muscles and I am a lot more sensitive to having lower potassium because of my POTs. I have decided to have this terrible experience be a helpful one in my self-care future. Meaning, I am going to start taking potassium supplements or adding more potassium to my diet.

I do have a mild concussion from my fall.

I want to thank my mom for talking me through things, Dana for the ride and for caring so much, the loving family of Gail for making me feel like a part of your family, Deanna Thompson for her wise advice and patience with me, my friends Immanuel and Madison for forgiving my my lack of emotion from this shitty week, and everyone else that has shown their love and support for me in the last few weeks, especially last week.

I am honestly trying to get better.

More updates to come, as the days creep closer to my LSAT and TED talk. Thank you for all of the love and support.

Why I am Speaking for Ted Talk

https://www.facebook.com/TEDxHamlineUniversity/

Ted Talk is coming to Hamline University (HU) in April 2019 and I was chosen to speak!

This is a huge opportunity for me and I am under the impression that a lot of my family do not realize how big of a deal this is for me. I also have to face the fact that a lot of my family is from rural MN and just does not pay attention to things like this. Despite that I have received joyous responses from my close friends about this upcoming Ted Talk. 

Since I realized the great impact of Ted Talks by listening to them on podcasts and watching them on YouTube. I have wanted to give a talk. I just never imagined that it would be this soon in my life.

Just because I have wanted to do a talk doesn't mean that I have thought of the topic that I want to do it on. Which is surprising for me, I like to plan waaay ahead as soon as I find a new interest. I guess the topic depends on the my mood and the environment of the talk--which is what I learned from choosing the topic of my talk.

Initially, I was going to do a talk on disability or invisible illnesses--just another topic that I have a strong expertise on. However, since this Ted Talk is specifically coming to a college campus and because I had a rough time finding a narrow topic about disability and illness that I wanted to focus on--I decided that I wanted to do a talk on rape. Rape is a more "fitting" topic to be discussed on a college campus for many obvious reasons that do not need to be explained here.

I knew that rape was going to be my topic of choice but I knew I needed to make my topic into something more specific and narrow. I knew I needed to pinpoint my topic to something to make it more of a "unique" topic. For some reason, the topic came to me immediately. I realized that many of my relationships have been affected by my traumatic experience of rape.

Back in December, I decided to take this topic and run. I applied for Ted Talks hoping that I would get in but doubting I would. Now that I have been chosen to speak, my anxiety has skyrocketed. But in a good way. I want this talk to be perfect. I want to make sure that I get my points across. I want to make sure that voices are heard. I want people to know what it is like after the initial trauma of rape. The initial trauma is terrible but the affects afterwards are constant and forever. 

I have taken this topic and have composed a hella draft that I have been working on daily. 

The Ted Talk will be on April 5th. It will be filmed and put on YouTube and all of their other platforms for their social media. This is just surreal to me. Also, another reason I am taking this so seriously.

The other day I got an email from my "speaking buddy," which (to my knowledge) is a person affiliated with HU and has given a Ted Talk before. I was assigned with HU's Legal Studies Professor Leondra Hanson. I had her as a professor during my senior semester at HU. She was my Senior Seminar prof. and she gave a Ted Talk in the Summer of 2018. I watched it and was just blown away by her accuracy and story. Here is a link. If you watch her talk, which I highly recommend--I am sure you'll understand how excited and lucky to be working with her.

I will keep y'all posted on how my prep is going, when the tickets are on sale, and when it will be posted on YouTube.

Until then, wish me luck in prepping. Thank you all so so much for the support.