Flare-ups in class

This is the typical scenario of me sitting in class while a flare-up starts or continues form when I first wake up:

Should I leave? That is what I ask myself while I am sitting in class having palpitations and trouble breathing. With a touch of lightheadedness, do I risk trying to leave to catch my breath? About 50% of the time I will because I haven't actually passed out in over a year. It is just the constant feeling of passing out that I feel. Yes, the chances of me actually passing out are greater than probably every person in this room but I do it, I leave. Where do I go? I go to the bathroom stall and pray that nobody else is in there, so I can take deep breathes. So I can crouch and take deep breaths and cry a little as I try to make my body cooperate again. This usually fully works about half the time the other half of the time it makes it a little better but is still there. They don't even know, my professor doesn't even know that I could pass out as soon as I stand up. Then when I think about that, the professors response of me passing out plays through my head. All hundred possibilities of their reaction to me passing out goes through my head. At this point I am not even paying any attention in the class. I am just there for attendance and some notes that I won't remember taking. How would my classmates respond? Why does this even matter? I would never get to see their initial reaction because I would be sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. Either way, if I am free after class and have a little time to rest up then I do. I go back to my room and try to rest even if it is just for a half an hour because that can make all the difference. I am always exhausted after a flare-up.

There is also no point in trying to explain to anyone what is going on. If I do end up passing out or falling down or something; I would just show them my medical alert bracelet and tell them that I will be fine. That is what I am going to tell my future professors, I am going to have to tell them that I am at risk to pass out. And what to do if something would ever happen. I do not like having these conversations but it has worked in the past. I sort of warned a couple people, one of them including a professor, that I went on a trip with and I ended up going to the ER. I never passed out, I almost did (of course) but I had to go to the ER or I would continue to get worse. So, "warning" professors and important people in m life about what can happen, is what I am going to have to start doing from now on.

Any questions? Comment below.

In Tune.

I defiantly never remember ever being "in tune" with my body. Even on my good days, now, I don't ever feel like I have full control. I was probably "in tune" when I was younger because I didn't really know or think about young people becoming sick, especially me. Because nothing ever happens to me or my family. Ha. Nope. These days, since my grandpa got sick five years ago, that is when things started falling apart. My life already sort of sucked in other ways, but I just put up with it and it didn't completely destroy me. Now that I look back, yeah my life was fucked up. Ask myself all the time how I have been able to do it and I still can't come up with a reason. But the good news is...I don't know. I am managing?! Trying. I keep trying...I haven't given up?! I think I am too weak to give up, at this point in my life too. And I have people to live for. I would hate myself if I wasn't here to see my brothers grow-up and my friends "happy-ending." Wow, this got real deep. But that's how I feel. I am not in touch and that is why I don't know what my body is telling me. I never know what my body is trying to tell me sometimes. 

Less sympathy

I am not saying I had a whole lot of sympathy before I was diagnosed with POTs but I have even less now (in most cases). I say this because I notice myself getting so annoyed with people complaining about colds or broken bones, which are temporary. Like, recently my cousin broke her femur which is somewhat serious, and I do not know all of the details but I noticed how she got flowers and 'get well soon' shit and I am just like "WHY?" It is only temporary, unless it unfortunately turns into a chronic thing but still. I don't understand. I and many, many others suffer everyday with our illnesses. I mean I do feel some emotion for her because she is missing out on work, in pain and has to move back with her mother during her recovery but still, she will recover! Then she will go back to work and her apartment to live on her life. Then there are people with colds, those people piss me off even more. Especially the ones who are in college, because they DON'T take care of themselves. It is literally your own fault you got this cold. And again, it is temporary. You will be FINE! Imagine feeling like you have a constant cold, the side effects to the cold medicine and the feeling of consistently broken bones. That is what a chronic illness feels like. Yes, it does suck if you have a cold or broke a bone. But having something chronic, continuously sucks. Can you see how I have less sympathy for those who get a temporary cold and temporary bone break? Also, I forgot to mention that when someone with a chronic illness gets a cold or breaks a bone, that is a major setback for them. Their immune systems are already down whether it be from their medication or autoimmune disease. Mine is down because of my medication, POTs is an autonomic disorder not autoimmune (just to clarify).

Does this make sense or am I just over-stressed with everything and everybody in my life rn?

The only one that understands is gone...

On April 29, 2012, my grandpa Leo unexpectedly passed away. That day and the week that followed was the worst week of my life. It was an emotional roller coaster. It still continues to be an emotional roller coaster.

The four year anniversary of his death was last week. But two weeks ago, with the stress of the semester and personal life, I missed my grandfather so much. I felt and feel that HE is the only person that really, truly understands how hellish my life has been lately and what I have been through the last four years, since he has been gone. And that is what is so hard on me. I can't talk to him, at least I can but he won't respond and I can't hear his voice or see his facial expressions. It is almost as though I feel more connected to him now then I ever have when he was living.

Two weeks ago, I was visiting my grandmother, we were having family Easter. It was a bit late but that was the only time that worked for everyone. I was so overwhelmed and depressed that it was hard to even hold a conversation with someone. I need to leave, I did. I didn't know where I was going to go but I took my parents Jeep and left. First we went to a store, then we just drove out of town and that is when I realized what I NEEDED. I needed to see my grandfather. I couldn't even remember the last time that I had seen him. I turned the Jeep around and started driving towards the graveyard.

My brother was with me. I told him how overwhelmed I was and that I was sort of breaking down. I told him that I knew subconsciously that I was going to end up going to visit our grandfather. My brother is pretty amazing, he just sat in the passenger seat listening to me. He was quiet. I thought that he thought I was crazy and he probably has always thought that.

On our way to the graveyard, the song "7 years" comes on and before it even plays they radio host talks about how the songwriter wrote the song after his dad died unexpectedly at 60. That is the same age my grandfather unexpectedly died at. The song is about growing up and living life. It is one of my favorite songs right now. As soon as it started playing, that is when I started crying (not a lot, but a little bit).

We arrived to his headstone, I just collapsed and sobbed my eyes out. I talked to my brother about how I felt and told him that I needed it. I told him that I was glad he was there with me. It was amazing in one of the worst ways possible. It was a granddaughter still mourning the death of her grandfather after four years. It was a granddaughter asking her grandfather; "Why? Why me? When will it get better? What is going on with my and my life right now? When will it end? When can I see you?..." I sobbed and sobbed. It felt good to release the demon of emotions inside of me.

Then we left, we arrived back to my family. My curious family. wondering where I had been. Confused and worried but they got it. They understand how heartbreaking the loss of such a great man was and continues to be on our family. It tore us a part and we are finally getting our family back together and nobody in our family wants to admit that except me.

The point is; we all grief differently and we all continue to grief, no matter how long ago they passed away. When I told my friend a shorter version of this story, he said something along the lines of, "I want someone to care and love me that much. It is amazing how much you can love someone and have an impact on them in that kind of way." I thought to myself and sort of said out loud, "yeah, that would be great. It is sad but at the same time, I do want to have that kind of an impact on someone."

Now that I think about it, I think that is one of the reasons why we live and keep living, it is to impact people. Impact them in a great way, in a loving way. In a "I can't live with out you way."

I know, how much I love and miss my grandfather but at the same time my grandmother is now alone and she lived everyday of her life with that man. He is gone and she is alone. She knew him for such a long time. That I can't even image the greater loss and mourning she has done and will continue to do until they are reunited...

Post about anything!

I don't always have to post things relating to my illness. I can post about anything that I want. I just happen to realize this, it has been a little over a year since I started my blog. I can share other stories and aspects of my life. I can do whatever the fuck I want! This is great. This came to be, because I was thinking about how I really wanted to share with you all about a great friend I have and how he made me realize something magnificent. I will share it and many more in the next posts to come! Thanks for reading my blog. Please comment and share!