I Still Get Cravings...And Who Is Ed?

Just because I have an eating disorder (Ed) doesn't mean I don't have cravings. I still get cravings. I crave milk duds and chocolate during Halloween season. I crave pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. I crave candy canes and goodies over Christmas. I crave chocolate on any normal random day of the week.

So, yes, I still get cravings. That is a totally natural things. It is Ed that is unnatural. I had started reading an introduction to this book about eating disorders, written by someone that recovered from Ed. It explained that Ed is like another person that lives inside you, telling you what is and isn't OK. Ed is a an extremely controlling forces that doesn't know when to stop. Ed battles you even harder when you decide to get treatment, or admit to yourself that you have a problem or even if you talk about Ed as something that exists. My relationship with Ed is so complicated, it may be the most complicated relationship I have ever had. It isn't like I can turn Ed's voice off in my head or slam the door in Ed's face. Or even walk into the next room. Ed follows me where ever I go. I had to stop because of how upset Ed got. Ed put me back into a deep depression after I read those ten pages that explained very well about who I was dealing with.

 

I was torn. Half of me was reading that intro and loving it and wanting to read more for inspiration for my own writing. The other half of me was pissed and emotional. That half was Ed, that half wanted me to throw the book as far as I could or even burn it. The half of me hated the lies I was reading. That was Ed. My depression and PTSD were doing so well for a couple of weeks until I read that simple introduction. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into until I got that night and cried my eyes out over how pathetic I felt and how I was never going to recover.

 

One of the things that was said in the book is that Ed is one of the toughest things you will ever face in your life and it is also one of the hardest things to want to fight. Why is it to difficult to fight something that you know is so damaging? It is for me, still. Therapy is helpful but it is still so intensely grueling.

There are many stereotypes that follow everything. But with eating disorders, there are multiple that I have come across only while since being diagnosed. I notice them when I have simple conversations about food or just general conversations where I have mentioned that I have eaten that day. I see things through the perspective of others eyes when talking to them about food in general. Those people don't even have to know that I am living with Ed for me to notice those stereotypes that come off of them. Or even if I am eating in front of people I can feel it, the stereotypes or there thoughts of "good for her, she is eating piece of cake. I am so proud. She seems to be doing better." When in all reality I will punish myself for eating that piece of cake later and I am just doing it to look "normal" and because I kind of deserve it. But Ed will punish me. Ed will make me cry and talk down to me later. Or was even tormenting me while I was eating it.

 

I am just trying to see eating as a normal healthy thing. Like eating "regularly" because I have never know what that is like. I have never had structured eating habits. They have always been all over the place and it got worse when I went to college because I was in charge of my eating. At least when I was in high school I had a scheduled breakfast and lunch. I didn't have that in college. I am surprised I made it through college with the amount of food I didn't eat.

Personally, I have been getting better at giving into those cravings without punishing myself. Ed doesn't like that though. For a long while, not only would I not give into my cravings but I wouldn't eat. There have been many days were I have "starved" myself. Gone to bed on an empty stomach, on purpose. I would wake up in the morning and drink a glass of cold water. I loved the way it felt going down and settling in my empty stomach. However, I always ate cereal. I had to, so I could take my various medications for my other illnesses. I still make sure I eat breakfast. Breakfast is the one meal that Ed is OK with, for the most part. Like as long as it is a small breakfast.

 

My entire life, almost, I have relied on Ed to keep me in control of a part of my life. Ed lied to me. Ed is manipulative. Ed sucks.

Ed Therapy-The Waiting Room

One of the most difficult parts about going to eating disorder therapy is sitting in the waiting room.

Here are a couple of things that go through my mind once a week:

Why is it that all of the therapists are skinny, perfect-looking white women? I don't have a fucking clue?!

And everyone stares at each other in such a judgmental way, including me. It is really hard not to. We are one of those typical disgruntled woman thinking "wonder what they are in for?" Like it's a prison sentence. I guess that's what it feels like. I usually never want to go. Well, half of me does. The eating disordered half does... But after I have I am feeling about half satisfied. And it doesn't last long.

And sometimes it seems super obvious as to why someone's there. They can be uber thin and you know they aren't bingeing. Most of the time it's difficult to tell. But when you overhear a conversation about losing weight followed by a congratulations, you know that they binge. Or "over-eat." But that my not be true either because I can't stereotype or generalize what they go through. But those are just the dumb thoughts that I have. Like I have this enormous jealousy of them when they loose 13 pounds. Because a huge part of me wishes I was twenty pounds less.

The point of this post is to help people understand how fucking awkward and awful it is just to sit in the waiting room where you feel judged and shameful and embarrassed. It doesn't get better. At least not for me. Not yet. I am still very ashamed of my new diagnosis. Even though I have been living with it for the majority of my life. It is still an intense thing that I have to live with. Especially now, since I am giving it more attention.