The Thing That's In My Chest

The thing that is in my chest is a paperclip-sized heart monitor. I thought it wasn’t going to be noticeable. I thought it was going to be invisible to me. It isn’t. It is quite annoying. 

When you think of a chest, you don’t think of boobs being in the way--they are. And guess where the monitor is placed? In my fucking boob. Right above the fourth rib. So, if you are a person that has boobs, countdown to the fourth rib and you’ll see where they would have placed yours. It is right under the skin of my left boob--right next to my sternum. 

The best and worst part is that you can feel it sitting right under my skin. I say it is the best because it feels cool as fuck. I say it is the worst because I have accidentally moved it around and can literally hear my breast tissue being stirred--which I am sure it isn’t supposed to do that. Another reason I say that it is the “worst,” is because when I am holding my baby cousins on my chest or feeding them--it hurts. My chest becomes painful when it has contact with anything. But when I am holding my adorable cousins and giving them sustenance--I don’t care about the pain. 

How can I care about the pain when I am holding something as precious as my baby cousin?

The scar on my boob is thicker than I thought it would be too. But that may be because I did pick at it while it was healing. Plus I am sure it will continue to shrink as time goes on--until they have to cut it out of me…

I also said that I was going to talk about my procedure to get it in. It went well. I was awake the entire time. It took like less than five minutes to just put it in. The prep took like two hours--which was a little ridiculous. But I did want fluids. I always want fluids. I had great nurses and hilarious doctors. You know how in Grey’s they talk and crack jokes...yeah, that’s what it is like. My cardiologist was cracking jokes the entire time. It was great! So, in a way, I did enjoy the procedure. Recovery also didn’t take as long as I thought it would. I had pain for a couple of days. And obviously still have some pain every once and awhile, as I said before. 

I am so glad that my mom and youngest brother, Ayden, could come with to keep me company and make me laugh. I was incredibly nervous all week and the morning of--leading up to the procedure. Ask my neighbors and friends, they had to calm my ass down. I was fine as soon as I got to the hospital--which I knew I would be--thankfully. My mom and Ayden even spent the night with me. Which was something I enjoyed. I never really get to see them. Maybe once every month if we’re lucky. Maybe once every other month. It is difficult to visit family with my busy schedule. I will get to see them this upcoming Easter weekend--which will be nice and interesting.

One thing I almost forgot to mention is that the hospital gave me a demo heart monitor to keep. So, I keep that in my purse to show people. I am glad they gave it to me because people are always so interested in health stuff. And people always ask questions that I can’t answer...so, I just show it to them and they sometimes shut up. 

How I Lost Weight at the State Fair

As most of you know by now, I live with an eating disorder (Ed). Right now I guess I could say that I am in recovery. I don’t know exactly how long I have been in recovery but I know that I am. It has been a long road and recovery for me is never constant. I always have Ed in the back of my head telling me that I am not good enough and telling me that I am fat. It also tells me that I shouldn’t eat and that I am not hungry. But that is beside the point.

I am going to be sharing a story of when I was at a true low. I haven’t shared this with really anybody except a few close friends and my therapists.

The Minnesota State Fair is one of the biggest fairs in the United States. As many of you know, it is known for its countless entertainment and deep-fried food options. Most people make jokes about how they gain weight there because of all of the beer and deep-fried food they eat. I, however, lost weight.

Here is my story:

The summer before my senior year of college I worked at the MN State Fair to make some extra cash. I managed to work every single day of the fair in the Moo Booth of the Cattle Barn. I didn’t work with the cattle. I worked with the people that visited the Cattle Barn. I learned numerous facts about cattle and vomited trandom knowledge to people about it. I also cleaned and gave kids and weird adults temporary tattoos. And I can say weird adults because I would be one of those people that would get a temporary tattoo of a cow and other barn animals on me.

To get to the fair grounds I had to take the bus and then walk all the way to the end of the fairground to the Cattle Barn. From the entrance to the Cattle Barn--they are on the complete opposite sides of each other. So, I already had to do a lot of walking before my shifts even started. Which during our shifts sometimes they would ask us to go to different parts of the fair to pick up things for the Cattle Barn--which adds even more walking.

Me working at the State Fair that year was like the first time I had ever really gone there and experienced the fair. A few years before I went to the fair but only to go to a concert with my mom. We didn’t do anything else really. And that is on me--I don’t enjoy fairs. They are crowded, expensive and nasty.

Everyday at the fair I would walk about 7-15 miles. I also wasn’t eating. That’s how I lost the weight. I would eat breakfast in the morning. And during my lunch break I would eat like a granola bar or some sort of cheese/milk product that they were giving out for free outside of the Cattle Barn. And I don’t remember eating much for supper. I think I would just sleep when I got home because I was so exhausted and had no nutrition. I took that opportunity of working at the fair and walking so much to loose the weight. Not because I needed to but Ed told me that I could and that I had to.

At that time in my life, fighting Ed was so difficult that I just continued to give in. That seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. My depression was terrible and I wanted to start my senior year at Hamline thin.

So, within that 10 day period of working at the State Fair I lost 15-20 pounds. And I was so proud of myself for being able to work that hard. I thought that feeling that terrible to look “good” was worth it. I was wrong. At the beginning of all of my semesters at Hamline. I always got super sick. And that’s because I would always starve myself or “work out.” Which my version of working out is just long walks. Because I can’t really work out with a tachy heart.

I ended up gaining the weight back and more. I gained “a lot” of weight during my senior year and then my Ed got even worse. Then I was diagnosed the summer after graduation.

People that know me, may think that I am thin and always have been. Some probably don’t even notice when and if I have lost or gained weight. But I always notice. And I don’t even have a scale to weigh myself--because if I did...I wouldn’t be in recovery.