How am I going to survive this April?
I asked myself that question at the beginning of March when I realized April was right around the corner. After a few weeks of therapy, reflection, and the determination to heal and overall be well, I then asked myself this question, "How do I take back April?"
For at least the last ten years, April has been a difficult month for me because I have trauma anniversaries which can be incredibly challenging. Part of me wants to throw myself a pity party but I know that is not healthy. That doesn't help me heal and, having done that in the past, I know it doesn't work. But I have been trying to find ways to cope ahead with April's memories of trauma, illness, and vulnerabilities.
On April 29, 2012, my grandfather Leo died unexpectedly at 60. My grandmother found him dead in his reclining chair in the middle of the night. She was heartbroken, literally. She had broken heart syndrome and suffered another heart attack from the pain and trauma of finding him dead. I will never forget that night; the days leading up to it and the week after. That was the first huge loss in my life. I was 15 years old writing my grandfather's eulogy to give it a couple of days later. At the funeral is where I realized how big of a loss it was--not just for the family, but the community. That's a week of loss and grief that broke me and our family into pieces. This year marks 10 years since his passing...
Photos of my grandpa Leo and I. I am a toddler in the top photo and I am 15 in the bottom photo, which is the last photo I ever got with my grandfather.
Now it is impossible for me not to grieve the fact that my grandpa Leo never got to know any of his grandchildren as adults. He never got to see any of them graduate high school or college, and will never get to meet his great-grandchildren. He never even got the chance to meet his youngest grandchild, Avah, born about five years after his death. Although she will get to know him through us and the memories he left behind. We will all have to live with that.
Photo of my grandmother Joyce and all 7 of her grandchildren--9 years after my grandpa Leo died.
On April 6, 2015, I was diagnosed with POTs after many tests and finally a miserable tilt table test. Being diagnosed after struggling for years with an unknown illness forever changed my life and how I live it. Reflecting on the change that came with the treatments, and countless ER visits, flare-ups, infusions, and doctor appointments, I know my illness has stripped much of my life away from me. It's made me feel more alone than I could possibly imagine. However, getting an actual diagnosis from a U of MN cardiologist who believed me, was my saving grace. Without a diagnosis, you can't get better. After over a decade of having this syndrome, I am finally getting a better handle on the symptoms and flare-ups because I know how to treat it and have learned from many mistakes and treatments.
Photo of me before my port/cath surgery on May 8, 2021.
In April 2015, I was raped. this trauma has forever changed me in ways I didn't expect. My intimacy issues grew worse as did my ability to trust anyone. It is difficult for me to have anyone, even friends and family, touch me. The PTSD, depression, anxiety, and nightmares have kept me from being who I could have been--or with someone, I could have been with. It has torn my life apart and learning to put these pieces together again is the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with and am still dealing with on a daily basis.
On April 5, 2019, I gave my TEDx Talk "Relationships After Rape." I still have so many mixed feelings about this. I always feel weird about bringing it up because of my insecurities and vulnerabilities. But I remind myself how important it is to inform people about sexual trauma and healing. The positive comments have helped me feel it was all worth it.
So, "How do I take back April?"
How do I not let these things haunt me or bring me down or give me anxiety? How do I cancel the possible pity parties? How do I get through April without feeling so awful and distant from everyone?
I have made myself aware of this and have been using the coping ahead DBT skill. I will continue to use many DBT skills. I will continue to stay aware and in the present moment. I have and will continue to speak with my therapist about anything that comes up for me. I will continue to write about this when I need to.
I have chosen that I want to feel all my emotions about the horrors that have come out of the month of April as well as the goodness and kindness that comes from it too. I don't want to be numb from my emotions and I don't want to use self-harm--like my ill mind enjoys doing so well and sometimes inadvertently.
I know that I may need to talk about it or I may not. It depends on the day and my mood/emotions. I am aware that I may need to ask for help from friends and family that I am beyond grateful for. Without these friends and supporters in my corner, I 100% would not be in the land of the living today.
I shall seek out the goodness and kindness this April brings me and be aware of where it comes from. I shall manifest a balanced April of highs and lows, and know I am going to have to give myself some grace along with some distractions.
A wonderful thing that April brings every year is my twin cats Ivy and Mia's birthday. They turned 5 years old a couple of days ago and I can't believe they have been in my life for almost 5 years. My little supportive and rambunctious cats--I don't know what I would do without the comfort and love they bring me every day.
