A Year Without Self-Harm

 TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, depression, rape, PTSD

I have been living with depression and anxiety since I was about ten years old--at least that's the earliest I can remember any symptoms. My mental health is something that fluctuates a lot. It exponentially got worse as I was growing older and experienced more trauma. 

I didn't start self-harming until I was in college after I was raped. I found many ways to harm myself and became more self destructive. In some ways, I didn't even realize how harmful I was to myself until I started going to therapy regularly. 

I had convinced myself that self-harm was the only way I could feel anything at all. I was emotionally numb and had fallen into a deep deep sadness and shame. My PTSD and mental health had gotten so out of hand, I felt self-harm was the only way I could feel and see the pain I was going through. I felt like I deserved it. Once I started I couldn't stop, or at least thought I couldn't stop. I was addicted.

I don't know the exact date but last August was the last time I self-harmed. I am very proud of myself for achieving something I never thought I would. I went through a lot to get here. I had to use many DBT skills in order to fight the urge to harm myself--it was not easy at all.

Achieving a year without self-harm is a huge step towards my mental health recovery. I was in therapy twice a week (individual and group) for nine months and it was a big commitment and tough work. Now I am down to once a week. I had to quit group therapy but that's an entirely different story. 

Before I started DBT and group therapy, I could say that I was committed but I probably didn't mean it. Or I meant it but didn't think I would actually get better--be a better person, a person without self-destructive behaviors. I still have self destructive thoughts and probably some behaviors but I am doing a much better job of managing and recognizing them without putting them into action. For example, I have not been drinking any alcohol for almost six months--which I consider a self-destructive behavior. 

In the mental health world, to heal yourself, you need to rewire your brain. When I first heard this, it made sense to me but seemed impossible for me. I have learned in the past year that it was possible for me and requires a lot of work like using DBT skills, asking for help, and practicing self-care everyday. I know I am not done with my recovery and will always be working on bettering myself. 

To rewire the brain, you have to come out of unhealthy thought and behavior patterns. I had to rewire my brain not to want to hurt or destroy the body it inhabits. I had to rewire my brain to redirect negative thoughts about myself. Learning this skill was not easy after the years of torment my brain had gone through and the many unhealthy patterns it had fallen into during and after trauma. I was almost in a constant state of crisis and survival. I had to learn how to come out of that so I could live my life.

Writing this blog post honestly astonishes me--that it has been an entire year without self-harm. I am not going to lie to you, I have thought about self-harm a lot in this past year. But I haven't thought about it everyday, those negative self-harm thoughts have become more quiet and faded away. They have basically become whispers. I still have really bad days when they become screams and I haven't given into those thoughts. 

Part of the problem solving is realizing that they are just thoughts--thoughts come and go. They do not have to be put into action. You can have a thought and just let it go--like it was never there, or you can take note of it. You can talk about it in therapy and learn new skills about how to keep that voice quiet and learn how to distract yourself. Or call someone for help. Distractions help me the best! Talking to friends and family that want to support me or finding something fun to do with someone I love helps me. Getting lost in a show, doing chores around my apartment, and being creative are things that help me too.

Now the challenging part for me is to continue this life without self-harm. Like any addiction, you have to take it one day at a time. I have to keep using these skills I have learned and keep leaning on my loved ones for support when I need to. 

Yesterday, I finished Season 5, of the hit show Better Call Saul, there is a quote about living with trauma in the last episode. Mike, a fan-favorite character says to Saul, "Here's what's gonna happen: One day you're going to wake up, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, go about your business. And sooner or later, you're gonna realize, you haven't thought about it. None of it. And that's the moment you realize that you can forget. When you know that's possible, it all gets easier." 

When I heard this quote I knew exactly what he meant because I have felt that way. I have realized I can live my life with the trauma I have endured. I know I will never forget what happened to me and how I have been treated in this life. But I will have moments or even days where I forget my trauma because I am living my life for today and embracing possibility. 

**You are not alone, someone loves you, and you deserve the world. Please reach out for help if you need it, you do not have to fight this fight alone. 

If you are having thoughts of self-harm/suicide call your therapist or the National Suicide Hotline #1-800-273-8255

If you have experienced rape/sexual assault call the National Sexual Assault Hotline #1-800-656-4673

Trauma Anniversaries: How am I going to Survive this April?

 How am I going to survive this April?

I asked myself that question at the beginning of March when I realized April was right around the corner. After a few weeks of therapy, reflection, and the determination to heal and overall be well, I then asked myself this question, "How do I take back April?"

For at least the last ten years, April has been a difficult month for me because I have trauma anniversaries which can be incredibly challenging. Part of me wants to throw myself a pity party but I know that is not healthy. That doesn't help me heal and, having done that in the past, I know it doesn't work. But I have been trying to find ways to cope ahead with April's memories of trauma, illness, and vulnerabilities.

On April 29, 2012, my grandfather Leo died unexpectedly at 60. My grandmother found him dead in his reclining chair in the middle of the night. She was heartbroken, literally. She had broken heart syndrome and suffered another heart attack from the pain and trauma of finding him dead. I will never forget that night; the days leading up to it and the week after. That was the first huge loss in my life. I was 15 years old writing my grandfather's eulogy to give it a couple of days later. At the funeral is where I realized how big of a loss it was--not just for the family, but the community. That's a week of loss and grief that broke me and our family into pieces. This year marks 10 years since his passing...

Photos of my grandpa Leo and I. I am a toddler in the top photo and I am 15 in the bottom photo, which is the last photo I ever got with my grandfather.

Now it is impossible for me not to grieve the fact that my grandpa Leo never got to know any of his grandchildren as adults. He never got to see any of them graduate high school or college, and will never get to meet his great-grandchildren. He never even got the chance to meet his youngest grandchild, Avah, born about five years after his death. Although she will get to know him through us and the memories he left behind. We will all have to live with that.

Photo of my grandmother Joyce and all 7 of her grandchildren--9 years after my grandpa Leo died.

On April 6, 2015, I was diagnosed with POTs after many tests and finally a miserable tilt table test. Being diagnosed after struggling for years with an unknown illness forever changed my life and how I live it. Reflecting on the change that came with the treatments, and countless ER visits, flare-ups, infusions, and doctor appointments, I know my illness has stripped much of my life away from me. It's made me feel more alone than I could possibly imagine. However, getting an actual diagnosis from a U of MN cardiologist who believed me, was my saving grace. Without a diagnosis, you can't get better. After over a decade of having this syndrome, I am finally getting a better handle on the symptoms and flare-ups because I know how to treat it and have learned from many mistakes and treatments.

Photo of me before my port/cath surgery on May 8, 2021.

In April 2015, I was raped. this trauma has forever changed me in ways I didn't expect. My intimacy issues grew worse as did my ability to trust anyone. It is difficult for me to have anyone, even friends and family, touch me. The PTSD, depression, anxiety, and nightmares have kept me from being who I could have been--or with someone, I could have been with. It has torn my life apart and learning to put these pieces together again is the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with and am still dealing with on a daily basis.

On April 5, 2019, I gave my TEDx Talk "Relationships After Rape." I still have so many mixed feelings about this. I always feel weird about bringing it up because of my insecurities and vulnerabilities. But I remind myself how important it is to inform people about sexual trauma and healing. The positive comments have helped me feel it was all worth it.

So, "How do I take back April?"

How do I not let these things haunt me or bring me down or give me anxiety? How do I cancel the possible pity parties? How do I get through April without feeling so awful and distant from everyone?

I have made myself aware of this and have been using the coping ahead DBT skill. I will continue to use many DBT skills. I will continue to stay aware and in the present moment. I have and will continue to speak with my therapist about anything that comes up for me. I will continue to write about this when I need to. 

I have chosen that I want to feel all my emotions about the horrors that have come out of the month of April as well as the goodness and kindness that comes from it too. I don't want to be numb from my emotions and I don't want to use self-harm--like my ill mind enjoys doing so well and sometimes inadvertently. 

I know that I may need to talk about it or I may not. It depends on the day and my mood/emotions. I am aware that I may need to ask for help from friends and family that I am beyond grateful for. Without these friends and supporters in my corner, I 100% would not be in the land of the living today.

I shall seek out the goodness and kindness this April brings me and be aware of where it comes from. I shall manifest a balanced April of highs and lows, and know I am going to have to give myself some grace along with some distractions.

A wonderful thing that April brings every year is my twin cats Ivy and Mia's birthday. They turned 5 years old a couple of days ago and I can't believe they have been in my life for almost 5 years. My little supportive and rambunctious cats--I don't know what I would do without the comfort and love they bring me every day.

Happy Birthday, girls!

Goodbye 2021, Hello 2022: Changes

 As one does at the beginning of every new year, I have been reflecting on 2021 and looking into what 2022 may bring. I journaled: goodbye 2021, hello 2022. A few days later, I found out I was exposed to three positive COVID cases. Then I was put in quarantine and waited the five days to test--it came back negative! Not a great way to start an already rough year dealing with residual depression and anxiety from the holidays and Betty White’s death. 

While journaling I made two lists: what happened in 2021 and what may come in 2022, here is a mild version of that:

What happened for me in 2021, included a lot of change:

-left old job and got two new jobs

-started a new treatment--IV infusions and got a port/cath surgically placed

-started individual and group DBT therapy--difficult but helpful

-got new roommates

-Lost both primary and cardiologist doctors

-My cat, Mia getting sick for the first time and having to take care of her

-made new friends

-got my heart monitor removed after having it for almost 3 years

-turned 25, a quarter of a century…

What may come in 2022, includes a lot of change:

-finding two new doctors that I can trust and know what POTs is--this won’t be easy

-graduating from DBT in the fall!

-starting Augsburg’s MSW program in the fall!

-focusing on overall well being and self care

-breathing life into the person I want to be

In group therapy, we recently talked about change and embracing it. It is much easier said than done and is one of many DBT skills I will be working on this year. In group, we follow DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets written by the wonderful Marsha Linehan. Her work can only be described as something that should be taught in every K-12 school to every single person teaching growing and emotional young humans how to have better control over their emotional and mental health--or just plain overall well-being. If I had known half of these DBT skills while growing up, I would probably be a more emotionally intelligent being with some better mental health management. 

Linehan says in her DBT Skills book, “Change is the only constant. Meaning and truth evolve over time. Each moment is new; reality itself changes with each moment.”

What a slap in the face! This book says “allow it and embrace it!” Sometimes life does not give us a chance to embrace it because we feel swallowed whole by it. We have to find ways to cope with the horrors this world can bring--like COVID. I know we are all sick of hearing about COVID and going into our third year with this virus is terrifying but I feel grateful for having survived this pandemic given the millions that have not. 

We can practice these dialectical skills about change by “practicing radical acceptance of change when rules, circumstances, people, and relationships change in ways you don’t like.” You don’t have to like it, to accept it. Like my brother Taylor talking about shaving off his beautiful golden lion locks. If he goes through with it, I don’t have to like it and I will have to accept it. It will grow back, right…

We can also “practice getting used to change: make small changes to practice this.” Or as my therapist says we should focus on, “What’s the next best decision?” Focusing on the present and on what to do next. This is so beyond true and having some “radical acceptance” with this in mind can be helpful in many tough situations in life.

Linehan says, “Change is transactional. What we do influences our environment and other people in it. The environment and other people influence us.” 

Just when I thought getting slapped in the face was bad…I don’t like this. This shook me. I know I have always known these things but to hear them out loud was too much. Especially after the reflection on my year, which is much longer in my journal entry than what I have written above. Journaling can really help me feel productive, get my thoughts down, and feel relieved afterward. Journaling can also make things a bit more real for me or even talking with someone helps me feel heard and seen.

We can practice transactional change by “remember(ing) that you affect your environment and your environment affects you. Pay attention to your effect on others and how they affect you. Practice letting go of blame by looking for how your own and others’ behaviors are caused by many interactions over time. Remind yourself that all things, including all behaviors, are caused.” Letting go of blame sure is not easy in certain situations. It is also sometimes difficult to understand how certain behaviors are caused and the bad ones do not always get this as an excuse either. That is why practicing DBT skills are important, to help keep you focused so you can live a better life and have a better impact on your environment. 

So in 2022, I shall try to practice DBT skills to better my life and impact on my environment. I shall try my best to embrace change and breathe life into the person I want to be. I hope you can do the same.