Lady Gaga's Documentary On Her Chronic Pain

I have and will always be a true fan and supporter of Lady Gaga! I have many reasons as to why I have to be loyal to her. Some I may get to, others are too personal for me to share on a blog and you'll have to wait for my book/memoir to come out.

She has always been an idol because of the way that she honestly expresses herself to the world. She is who she is. She is all about love. She supports LGBTQIA organizations because she identifies with that group, along with me. It was so great to have someone to look up to for me. Her songs, music videos and work has truly expressed herself and has helped me and others find themselves through her music and work. She is a goddess.

In the last couple of years, news of her illness(es), mental and physical, have become more aware to the public. Not because they were leaked but because she spoke out about what she was living with. She spoke out to let others know that they are not alone. And I am sure it helped her feel less alone too. She spoke out to let people know that she is, in fact, a human being capable of being affected by these very human things, like illness.

She has helped empower many young women, many young LGBTQIA individuals, many rape and sexual violence survivors, etc. She is truly amazing. She has empowered me!

I write this because yesterday her Netflix documentary "Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two" came out. As soon as I got home from work, I watched it. I had too. Not only is she my idol but she is a famous person portraying to the public what it is like to live with a disability. She is fighting and breaking down those stereotypes of disability. These a very important things for me to know as a Disability Advocate and as a person living with multiple illnesses. I needed to know what people will be influenced by. Not just people who live with illnesses but people who don't.

Over the past month or so, people have been talking her documentary up as a documentary solely about Gaga's illnesses and pain. Her documentary is much much more than that. It is about her, not her pain. I was actually surprised when watching it because of how much it was about her and not her pain, like everyone was saying.

This documentary was about her and how she interacts with fame, family, friends, producers, managers, fans, and...her illness. It isn't just about her illness. And that's what I like about it. If it was just about her illness then people would think that her life is consumed by it. Viewers of her documentary see a 360 of Gaga. And as a viewer, I appreciated that. I didn't want just the illness or just the fame. I wanted to see what her entire life was all about. And they did just that.

Although, the documentary wasn't solely about her illness like most of the internet had said, there were some stereotypes debunked and there were some moments were she taught viewers what it is like to live with an illness that is invisible. She also taught viewers how expensive treatment is and how lucky she is. She said that she wouldn't know what she would do with her resources and that she doesn't know how others, who have less resources, live with an illness like hers. That is something that I highly appreciate because I don't have nearly as enough resources to help my pain and suffering.

I could say more, but I think I got most of my thoughts down...

What are your thoughts about Gaga's new documentary?

It's OK To Feel Angry

Written in Feb. 2017:

I can't find the words to express how pissed I am feeling.

Let me try to explain...I thought I was going to have a good semester. I didn't expect a perfect one but I thought I was going to be happy. This is my last semester! But NOOOOO! Shelby doesn't deserve a good semester. Instead, trauma follows Shelby. Instead, Shelby ends up in the ER. Instead, Shelby gets dumped by her boyfriend. Instead, Shelby gets sexually harassed at a coffee shop. Instead, Shelby's semester isn't good. In fact, Shelby's semester sucks.

I am angry at my WORLD. I have learned that it is OK to feel anger. It is a natural emotion, one that everyone feels at some point in their life. Anger usually develops from other emotions and feelings. Those others are usually a lot worse than anger. Shame, for example. Shame may not seem worse to you but shame for me has made me look far down on myself, along with many other negative attributes.

However, I am lucky to have people in my life to help me understand these frustrations. They have helped me understand my faith. They have helped me understand why trauma seems to follow me. Life's irony, mostly. And my weaknesses.

P.S. This probably won't make any sense. I just needed to vent a little. I just needed to publish a post with me venting. UGH...

Updates On My Life

I am finding it difficult to come up with things to write about for this blog in particular. I have been so focused on my memoir and I don’t want to publish anything on my blog that will be in my memoir. Which I have taken some blog posts and extended them already. I guess I could share how life is going overall.


Job: I can’t believe I have been working at my job for over three months. Those months have truly gone by fast. I enjoy my job. I have been learning a lot about bankruptcy court, conciliation court, and reality law among other things. My job this summer has been going really slow. I have downtime to read books and write in my memoir or short stories. I do enjoy the downtime but I also wish I would have more work to do. And because of my illnesses I have already used all of my paid days off. So, if I miss parts of any days for the next six months I won’t get paid for them….stupid illness and doctor's appointments. That is a big change from school. I could easily miss class for an appointment and not have to worry greatly about the effects it would have. Now that is all I do. I love my boss! We get along very well. But I don’t get along with a co-worker of mine. And I don’t know why, I think she is just extremely bitchy towards me. I am not sure if it is because I am so young or she thinks I am stupid or what. It is just really annoying to have to deal with her--especially when I did nothing wrong.

Apartment: I continue to fall in love with my apartment. It is the perfect size for me and my two adorable kittens. I get along greatly with my landlord and neighbor. We hang out sometimes and eat late suppers, watch movies and drink and talk about life. It is really nice. I got extremely lucky to have such great people to live near. Right now my best friend has been couch surfing at my place for the last two weeks and she plans to stay with me until her parents get settled into their new home in the cities. It has been nice to live with a best friend. I have never experienced that before. But it can get a little crowded with the two of us and my kittens.

POTs: I have been having a lot more flare-ups lately but they are finally starting to simmer down a little bit. I have been passing out more frequently. I have been having a lot more pain. I am finally on pain medication that helps with that. My energy level has been low and my fatigue level has been high. I have been getting a lot of sleep and that still doesn’t help, really. I usually go to bed before ten now. Sometimes I go to bed right when I get home from work if I am so exhausted.

Mental Illnesses: My depression and PTSD have not been doing great this summer. They both actually got really bad, the worse I have ever felt mentally and emotionally. So, that has been difficult. However, I did start seeing a trauma therapist once a week and she has been so helpful. I think this is all I am willing to share about this, right now.

School: Just when I am done with undergrad everyone is now asking me about law school and when I decide to go. I am not sure honestly. I just tell people “within the next five years.” That usually shuts them up. I mean I just got out of undergrad, give me a fucking break. I am exhausted and have a lot going on. I don’t even want to think about law school right now. And I am young, so I have plenty of time. Today, Hamline’s Undergrad classes started and it I really odd for me because I am just sitting at work typing this up thinking about how I miss campus and the professors and my friends. I can’t stop thinking about the disability organization that I started and how I am worried about how they will do this year without me. I keep reaching out to my friends who are going to run it and I tell them that I live close by and have time to help them if they need it.

Volunteering: I have volunteered my time and energy at an organization called Saving Grace. They are hosting a huge convention in St. Paul on October 27 to promote education and awareness for domestic violence and sexual assault. I have been helping market for the event and I will be working at the event when the time comes.

Other than those things I have had a lot of friend and family drama but that’s not something I am going to get into on my blog because that would just create more drama. And I am not ready to disclose with everyone what my new diagnosis is.