Consistent Debacle

I am still at that point where I am consistently stuck in a debacle on whether or not to tell my friends or family when I don't feel good, when I am with them or even not with them. It is hard because I don't want them to overreact because if they do, sometimes I will. Sometimes I don't even know what I need and most of the time there is nothing I can really do to feel better. That is one of the worst parts about having an illness. Like, what would me telling them how bad I feel do, not only for me but for them?

What can they do to help me? That is what I think to myself as I am sitting trying to fake feeling good while I am in a room with my friends. I think I am going to pass out, I am in pain right now and they don't even know. I am having trouble breathing and I can't even tell them because they wouldn't be able to do anything. It sucks. But I am fine with having to not tell them all the time. If I had to or even decided to, it would be annoying and not just for them...but me too. I hate having to admit to myself how bad I feel or how sick I can truly get. I also don't like to see the pity face that they all make. I adore them for caring so much and love them for being concerned. But they really don't know how much I try to actually hide. Right now, I think my new roommate is the best at figuring out when I don't feel good and we haven't even been living together for a week yet...She just knows and I don't understand how but she does. And she will be kind enough to ask me every single time if I am ok and of course I won't admit it. I love her for that and I am glad that I am going to be spending my time with her this next year.

...And I don't know if I will ever be able to be vulnerable, consistently vulnerable, to be able to do that. To be able to tell anybody, really, how I am feeling...