When You Are Reminded How Sick You Are

Living with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or POTs has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is a constant battle--everyday. I have a variety of symptoms that come and go, daily. Every day I have a couple of the "usual" symptoms which are dizziness, shortness of breath, pain, and mild fatigue. Some days these symptoms are worse than my "usual" or "normal" days. It is usually more of my other symptoms that are added to that "normal" everyday list of symptoms or it is those "normal" symptoms but at a lot worse degree. Usually, those "normal" every day symptoms are mild to moderate. Then I get days where I have flare-ups that restrict me from doing things or going places. Those are also on the scale from mild to severe. The severe ones are the ones were I need to or should go to the ER. I am stubborn though and don't always want to give in to going. Like yesterday and today; I had two people tell me that I should go to the ER and I didn't...I probably should have.

Last night I had a bad reaction to my daily medication that helps control my blood pressure and it gave me one of the worst flare-ups I have had since the last time I had to go to the ER--back in October. Because of my flare-up I had to miss class and had a late paper. I did, however, make myself go to my meetings in the afternoon and go to my afternoon class. There were numerous times when I thought my weak body was just going to collapse from under me or that I was going to actually pass out randomly on campus. My symptoms were palpitations, heart racing, shortness of breath, dizziness, fainting, cramping in my calves and feet (making one of my feet curl), headache, fatigue, exhaustion, skin hypersensitivity, tremors mostly in hands, arms and legs, weakness that made it hard to walk, brain fog and some pain. So, I didn't have all of my symptoms but I had most of them.

This flare-up reminded me how sick I actually am. I think I had forgotten--I mean sure I have symptoms everyday but they don't make me feel completely useless and weak. They also don't make me feel "that" sick because I am somewhat used to them. It has become a part of my normal everyday life to just feel like shit. So, when people ask me how I am, I respond with saying that I am my "normal" shitty self. Meaning I am having a "normal" shitty day with my "normal" shitty symptoms. It defiantly sucks but it is a part of my life--everyday. I can't change that. Even if my doctors think I can. I have tried. Maybe not my hardest but I have to live a little. And I have a life and don't have time for stupid shit. By the way there is no cure for POTs--there is just time periods when it goes away but that doesn't mean it won't come back. I have had days and weeks where it has mostly gone away but then one day it comes back at full force.

I thought that I would also add my list of the symptoms that have had. There are two groups I put my symptoms in; heart and non-heart.

Heart Symptoms:

• palpitations
• heart racing (tachycardia)
• chest pains
• shortness of breath
• fainting
• dizziness
• arrhythmia 

Non-Heart Symptoms:

• numbness and tingling from elbow to finger tips and hip to toes
• bad cramping in hands and feet (it feels like my fingers will curl sometimes)
• stiffness in hands and feet mostly, sometimes throughout whole body
• headaches that sometimes turn into migraines 
• brain fog=confusion
• cramping in calves and feet-toes curl
• fatigue
• easy exhaustion
• skin hypersensitivity
• tremors (usually in my hands and legs but sometimes turns into body tremors) 
• chronic pain
• weakness throughout entire body making it difficult to walk