Five Years Ago, Today, My Grandpa Leo Died

It doesn't feel like he died five years ago, today. It doesn't feel like it has been that long. It seems like just yesterday, he was getting his lung transplant. It seems like just yesterday, I had called him for good luck wishes for my High School Spring Play performance. It seems like just yesterday, I felt that annoying yet comforting poke in the shoulder he always gave me. I could go on and on about how it feels like he was just here with us because I still think of him on a daily basis.

I missed him at my last five birthdays, at the last five years full of holidays and celebrations. I missed him at my High School Graduation. And next month, I will miss him at my College Graduation. I will miss him. I do miss him.

That is why I write. That is why I call my grandma Joyce. Because I not only miss him but I have to check in on her. She is all alone, in her big empty house. I feel guilty when I come home to visit. I feel guilty when I think about how alone she is, while I live my own separate life in St. Paul. I always feel guilty when I can't be there for someone I love.

Guilt isn't the only emotion that I have felt since my grandfathers death. I have felt a major loss. I have felt anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, but also love, in knowing that he is always with me.

I will never forget the day he died. I will never forget the days leading up to his wake and funeral. I had to prepare his eulogy. Not only because my family asked me but I wanted to. That is when I started to write to cope with my emotions. I was 15-years-old when he died. I grabbed a pencil and a notebook and went outside of my grandparents house and sat under an enormous and beautiful tree and I sat and wrote. I cried. I laughed. I felt better. I then typed up his eulogy, edited and revised it. Then a couple of days later, I gave my grandfathers eulogy in front of all the people that loved him. I front of hundreds and hundreds of people in a packed church. I didn't shed on tear when I said those words of love. I would do it again and I would say more.

As I look back at my eulogy, I would have said a great deal more. I would have had more time without him and more time to truly think of things to say. He helped me grow up. He was my grandfather. I am still very lucky to have three living grandparents to continue to help me grow up some more and help me when I need it.

But my life has never been the same since he died five years ago, today. And the lives of my family members have not been the same either.