Ed Therapy-The Waiting Room

One of the most difficult parts about going to eating disorder therapy is sitting in the waiting room.

Here are a couple of things that go through my mind once a week:

Why is it that all of the therapists are skinny, perfect-looking white women? I don't have a fucking clue?!

And everyone stares at each other in such a judgmental way, including me. It is really hard not to. We are one of those typical disgruntled woman thinking "wonder what they are in for?" Like it's a prison sentence. I guess that's what it feels like. I usually never want to go. Well, half of me does. The eating disordered half does... But after I have I am feeling about half satisfied. And it doesn't last long.

And sometimes it seems super obvious as to why someone's there. They can be uber thin and you know they aren't bingeing. Most of the time it's difficult to tell. But when you overhear a conversation about losing weight followed by a congratulations, you know that they binge. Or "over-eat." But that my not be true either because I can't stereotype or generalize what they go through. But those are just the dumb thoughts that I have. Like I have this enormous jealousy of them when they loose 13 pounds. Because a huge part of me wishes I was twenty pounds less.

The point of this post is to help people understand how fucking awkward and awful it is just to sit in the waiting room where you feel judged and shameful and embarrassed. It doesn't get better. At least not for me. Not yet. I am still very ashamed of my new diagnosis. Even though I have been living with it for the majority of my life. It is still an intense thing that I have to live with. Especially now, since I am giving it more attention.