Yep, that’s right. This is the third heart monitor that I have had to wear thanks to my cardiologist. I have some anxiety about wearing one again because of the odd looks, stupid questions and unwanted attention I get. This third time around I have decided not to cover it up (as much) because this is what a chronically ill and disabled person looks like. Sometimes...maybe even once a year they have this device strapped to her chest.
Me wearing this is more of a precautionary thing rather than a “bad sign.” I am not even worried about the results because the last two times they found the same “non-threatening” arrhythmia that is normal in patients with my condition, POTs. And yeah, it sucks and is super uncomfortable. But something I have learned over the last couple of years is that life is supposed to be uncomfortable, sometimes.
I had my cardiologist appointment on Monday 1/8/18. I was alone. It was nice. It was freeing almost. Because right after the appointment I had to go back to work like a normal person...so, that was the nice part of my mother not coming. Because if she did come then I would have felt guilty for not being able to spend much time with her. Especially since I can’t afford to miss work. I do really miss her. But this time I felt like I didn’t need her at all. My depression has been the best it has ever been in the last year. It has just been my anxiety that has been getting to me. However, since my depression has been better...my PTSD symptoms have been better. That means I haven’t been dissociating as much as I have been in the last couple of months--thanks to these new antidepressants.
The part that should concern anyone who cares enough to read my blog posts (through and through) is that when my cardiologist was talking about my last appointment that was in September I had no idea what he was talking about. Since my depression, PTSD and dissociation was so bad I didn’t remember anything from that appointment. Dissociating fucks with my memory--a lot! My cardiologist seems to be more concerned about my mental health than he does about my physical health. Which I guess, they do come hand-in-hand. Maybe that is why he is so concerned. But I did tell him that my new antidepressants have been working.
That and because the dumb fucking holidays are over--finally. It always seems like they will never end. And if you were with me over the holidays I am pretty sure you could tell that my mental health was fucked. I was super distant or talking about the ways I could kill myself using the driest sense of humor I have--which also if you know me--that’s about right. I was shutting myself down and not really talking unless I was holding a baby cousin. Those babies made me feel some love and importance. It is something about being the oldest and the role model that makes me want to stick around to help out all my little cousins grow up to be the amazing people I know they will be. I especially want to be around for my brothers, I know they are going to need me. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself to survive.
However, when I was explaining this new odd arrhythmic feeling that scares me and takes my breath away to my cardiologist, I knew that he was going to have me wear another heart monitor. Well, part of me was surprised and part of me wasn’t. I am surprised he hasn’t put the long term heart monitor in me. That one we have discussed before and it sits over my heart right under my skin. But maybe that’s because I told him this uneasy feeling (arrhythmia) can happen a couple of times a week. And it’s funny because the first time it happened I was scared and confused but I thought it was a fluke. It felt like I was overreacting because that is what the medical industry tries to make women feeling like--they make you feel like you are overreacting and making something bigger than it actually is. They make you feel crazy. So, yeah, I didn’t really talk about it to anyone--then it kept happening. So, there is a huge part of me that hopes they find something. But that same part knows that they may not. I just wish he would put that long term monitor in. That makes more sense to me--at this point.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments. Thanks for all your love and support!
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