Part 2 of My Life Updates: 2025 So Far...

Welcome! This is Part 2 of my Life Updates to officially get caught up with what has been going on from my life experiences to my blog to spread awareness and much more!

Check out Part 1 of my Life Updates: 2024 for some context to this post! This is a continuation of some of the 2024 updates as well as new updates!

I am going to jump right into it! Thank you for coming back, I am beyond grateful for your support! Please show it by commenting and liking!

The beginning of my 2025 was polar opposite to my 2024 start. I was isolated due to becoming extremely sick with a secondary lung infection after contracting bronchitis. It took me months to fully recover since the illness caused more frequent POTs/dysautonomia flare ups. During those months, I felt very hopeless and fell into a deep depression due to the isolation and debilitating symptoms I was trying to manage. I was able to do the bare minimum by working from home and taking a lot of PTO. 

My spring semester of graduate school was well under way. I was so sick I didn't have the energy to do my first online forum posts, and I missed the second weekend of classes. By the third weekend of classes, I had flared up towards the end of class so bad I almost fell from intense presyncope/dizzy spells twice on my way out of the building. I had to catch myself. I felt incredibly weak, shaky, dizzy, fatigued, and was grateful for the disabled parking permit so my walk wasn't too far. That is when I decided to start using my cane when going to classes and on a more regular basis as needed to help manage my dynamic disability.

What someone having a severe depressive episode & living
with dynamic disability can look like...taken in 02/2025

My cane helps me so much! I have had my teal sparkly cane since 2018. I mainly used for hiking and some walks but had hardly ever used it because of my shame around using it. I had some conversations with some close friends, some family, a couple of professors, my therapist, and myself about why I think it would help. I received encouragement and ultimately told my shame to fuck off--that it doesn't matter what people think, if using a cane will help--USE IT! I still have to remind myself when that fickle bitch shame starts bubbling up. 

I got a new black cane for all occasions as a holiday gift from my mom when I told her I wanted to bring one on the study abroad trip, that I ended up not going on--I will get to that later. So, I had a slick black cane that I kept in my car and started using any time I was going to classes, doctor's appointments, and other times as needed for support.

My cane helps me pace myself, and it supports my balance, dizziness, weakness, and gives me extra support with my chronic pain flare ups too. My confidence using it grew as I used it more and more. I got much support from friends, some family, classmates, professors, etc.

Even with the extra support from the cane, I doubted my ability to finish my spring semester. That doubt had already crept in before the semester began and as it went on, it felt like I was still recovering from the lung infections and was dealing with GI flare ups constantly for two months before it started to slowly let up. My GI issues in general have exponentially gotten worse over the past few years. I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) in Spring 2025 with my GI issue history and having diarrhea for two months straight causing me to have more POTs flare ups due to dehydration. Which I believe led to increased weakness and cramping in my legs that I was experiencing. I wonder if my IBS symptoms are connected to another health condition, but I will get to that in my next post. 

In January 2025, I had planned and committed to go to South Africa for the MSW study abroad program. I have never been able to travel outside of the United States, and it has always been a dream of mine to study abroad, which I know I can do on my own, however, opportunities like this don't come often in life. By early Spring 2025, I had to revoke my spot for health and financial reasons. The health reasons being my updates above including not really having much PTO left to spare. 

Financially, I had to get a new (used) vehicle since my old one that I had for nearly 8 years broke down. I drive a lot for work since I meet clients in their homes all around Hennepin County, so getting a reliable vehicle was a necessity to keep myself afloat. Plus, I was moving into an apartment by myself after living with my brother and his girlfriend as roomies, so my rent and bills increased more than a few hundred dollars a month. 

Again, I felt completely and utterly defeated by the limitations of living with incredibly challenging and dynamic physical disabilities. But when I made the decision that I wasn't going on the trip--I felt relief as well. I have grieved and sobbed over not being able to go on that trip. I was able to talk with friends and a professor that went on that trip to hear their stories and live vicariously through them. I hope to travel abroad one day.

As life and the spring semester moved forward, my mental health was at its worst. I felt so defeated by my POTs limitations and restrictions to my life that I continued to doubt my ability to finish my third year of grad school. That doubt made me wonder what the point was, why continue school, why continue living if I can't even live my life? Suicidal ideation was creeping in, lingering, and fully settled into my life.

March 2025

I have had so many moments of feeling hopelessness and helplessness, like my illness has control of my life and it is so scary and valid. Living with a dynamic chronic illness is so incredibly difficult. It is the hardest thing I have had to continue to face in this short life.

There was so much to juggle in spring 2025, due to my continued right hand, wrist, and pain from my fall in April 2024, I was referred to a physical therapist that specializes in hand therapy. I saw her a few times, learned some exercises and where I learned that I do have a pinched nerve in my right wrist. She gave me some helpful advice and showed me a new brace that would help support my tendons by providing support. It has helped a lot. I continued to have pain though and didn't have time to schedule another session with her, so I messaged her. She replied with a referral to a hand specialist. I scheduled that for late summer.

May rolled around and I was able to finish my third year of grad school somehow with the support of friends, professors, classmates, etc.! You all know who you are! 

Folks were chatting about how much they were looking forward to summer which only fueled my anxiety about how I was going to manage my POTs when the heat comes around. Getting over heated causes POTs flare ups because my body can't regulate its temperature so when it gets overheated, I have to regulate it myself and even with doing that I can still get a flare up. 

The first heat wave hit in May, it was about a weeklong, maybe longer. I got overheated during a work meeting which triggered an anxiety attack at work. I felt like I needed to advocate for myself, spread awareness, and just get how I was feeling off my chest. I spoke to my supportive supervisor about what was going on and why I was anxious. My supervisor asked me if my anxiety and fears were based in reality or if I was having a trauma response. At the time, I said it was based in reality, which it was. But it was also a trauma response from the PTSD that comes with living with POTs and everything that comes with it including medical trauma. 

The next week I spoke with both of my wonderfully supportive supervisors of over two years about what happened and my reflections. I thanked them for their support, accommodations, and for helping me name my POTs, chronic health, and medical Traumas. Naming it helped me cope ahead and manage my mental health which helped me manage my physical health and vice versa throughout the summer and into fall. 

For years, I have been wanting and needing to do EMDR therapy to help me process other traumas. However, with having PTSD and anxiety about my experiences living with POTs, I decided to start EMDR to reprocess my disability trauma. I did a session over the summer and wanted to do more but didn't get around to it with the other things that came up over the summer. I think the first session went well and I hope to do at least one or two more before the end of the year.

With my hand and wrist injury still bothering me, I was referred to a hand specialist who was magnificently kind. I got x-rays done. I was told I have pinched nerves in my wrist and elbow, that I should continue wearing wrist braces as needed, and also wear an elbow brace at night and when my nerve is angry. I did not want to wear an elbow brace for a few reasons, one of them being, that I wouldn't get any sleep while wearing it. Having continued nerve pain from my fingers to my elbow and tendon pain and issues has been frustrating to say the least. I continue to try to manage that pain and continue to wear compression gloves and wrist braces. 

Overall, the summer was decent compared to the hell so many previous summers have been and a huge part of that was naming the traumas and talking about it in therapy. My depressive symptoms were relatively mild over the summer which was the best it has probably ever been. 

My 29th birthday was coming up, and I wanted to celebrate going into my final year of my 20s with how much growth and healing I have done since the beginning of my 20s! The plan was to have a staycation, avoid the heat, watch some great TV/movies, etc. with my mom. I took Monday off since it was my actual birthday to get brunch with a friend and have dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. The day my mom came up to the cities to visit me; is also the day our family cat Oliver had to be put down due to sudden and severe illness. Due to the sudden and unexpected nature of this along with the timing, I had the worst birthday, and it was the most depressed I had been all summer. I was still able to spend the weekend with my mom, and we had a relaxing weekend for the most part. I think I just emotionally numbed out my grief after all the sobbing I had done the day he died. My brother was so depressed and shocked he couldn't celebrate my birthday at all with me this year. I understand and it still hurts. 

Mom & I in August 2025

I finished out the summer by starting my clinical MSW internship orientation/trainings and having some friends stay with me on and off as they moved their adorable family to the cities. It was so healing and lovely to have them stay with me and build our bonds even stronger. I am so incredibly happy to have them close to me again--they have been my saving grace lately.

After Labor Day, I began my final year of my MSW program and got more into my internship. It has been such a wild ride, and I can't believe how far I have come with this program and how much I have learned and grown. It has been incredibly challenging to juggle working full time, getting my internship hours/experience in, attending Saturday classes, completing homework assignments, being social, and taking care of myself. 

One of my goals is to investigate and reflect more on the connection of trauma and disability, body and mind, etc. Seeing more patterns with the interconnectedness of mental and physical health is so important for growth and healing. I am hoping to understand more with researching more and learning more in school and at my internship where I have been shadowing and co-facilitating a weekly Trauma Skills group and started practicing individual outpatient therapy. 

Life is all about finding your people, making connections, enjoying life with them, and supporting them. Finding the right people in life is life changing! People living with disabilities need friends and a community of people who also live with disabilities. I hope you find your people that uplift you and support you--it improves quality of life. 

Life is so fucking difficult especially when we are learning how to live with suffering while also healing from our past traumas and chronic mental and physical illnesses. All humans suffer to some degree, and we all need to learn how to heal ourselves. Sometimes that means being a little silly, talking, processing, exploring clinical options, finding our people and building community, learning new skills and practicing them daily, adjusting your routine, finding new ways to take care of ourselves, etc. 

If you don't know where to start, start with self-compassion. find ways to empower yourself and implement self-compliments and positive self-talk. Be proud of yourself for surviving and wanting to heal. Everything takes time especially healing, growth, and rewiring our brains. Or pursue a passion, find something you are passionate about and start to find the path to reach that goal and heal yourself and learn along the way! Take care!

With hope & in loving memory of Oliver,

Shelby

Oliver & I in October 2024

Health Updates Coming Soon...