As a survivor of sexual assault and rape, I was more than triggered by the Cornell 57 news and events following.
However, I feel the need to acknowledge that there have been good conversations happening online with brave survivors sharing their stories and parents role modeling for other parents by teaching their kids about consent and doing the right thing.
About a week or two previous to the Cornell 57 news, I told my therapist how I comfortable I have been feeling with where I am on my SA traumas healing journey--with having dreams (for a couple years) about confronting my perpetrators, unveiling their identities to the community, among others things with the combination of my growth of self-love and confidence as well as my shame shrinking.
I told my therapist that my most severe chronic PTSD symptoms have been more so related to my increased chronic pain, medical trauma, and navigating living with multiple chronic illnesses with not have much hope for the future.
I said this all also knowing that I hadn't had major triggers of my SA traumas in maybe a year or so. Other than a baseline of hypervigilance that I will always have among other safety measures to protect myself as a disabled female.
Last two weeks were some of the hardest weeks I have had being triggered from my SA traumas in years. I didn't know my internal scream could grow louder nor my rage deeper--it's exhausting. I don't have any more tears left nor the energy to sob any longer. I am feeling a bit more numb than before.
If you have been following my socials, you know I shared my TEDx Talk "Relationships After Rape" again to spread awareness. As a form of sharing more of my story, I shared two of many photos I have held onto since April 2015. First photo was taken of hours before I was raped & the second was taken days later with the hurt in my eyes, wearing a scarf/makeup to cover up bruises, and me trying to crack a little smile but not being able to...my post-rape denial mask kept me safe for 2 years. idk what to call it but I was deeply rooted in not just my denial but shame after my SA traumas that I completely shutdown.
I was raped only a couple weeks after my POTs diagnosis, so I was also navigating and managing that as well--something I don't think anyone really knows about because I haven't really talked about that piece of it all...plus doing it all completely on my own in a new environment with it being not only a year living in St. Paul at that point.
After further reflection, I decided I wanted to share a running list of the places I have been SA'd or sexually harassed to spread awareness that it can happen anywhere and everywhere.
Places I have been SA'd &/or sexually harassed:
-workplace (x3)
-church
-high school
-college campuses
-concert
-coffee shop
-bar
-train/bus station
-in someone's vehicle
-hospital as a patient
-by landlord
-around family (either by certain family members or their "friends")
The list goes on and on...that's just from sitting here thinking about it for less than ten minutes as I write this section.
Due to the continued high stress last week, I had the WORST stress migraine I have ever had, and I didn't sleep well for days. My therapist and I both agreed that it was triggered by multiple stressors but specifically the cascading impacts of how I was triggered by the news of the Cornell 57. I have also noticed increased muscle tension in general but especially in my pelvis/hips/lower back and upper back/neck. I have been trying to do my stretches and what I learned in PT to help but that only helps so much. Epsom salt baths are somewhat helpful too.
I share my reflections and experiences with y'all because I know I am not the only one and we need to keep talking about these difficult things if we are ever going to fight against rape culture and the fucked up society we live in--we have to try to make it better by sharing our experiences and supporting one another.
Over the weekend and into this week, I have been trying my best to just push forward and focus on what I need to get done for work and to take care of myself. I'm realizing that no matter where I am in my healing journey--I can be triggered like this and that normal. It's so hard but I know I'll get through it because I have gotten through it a million other times.
I think what's actually harder is how much of last 2 weeks has been trickling and following me into this week and may continue to do so for the next few weeks, months...and how it impacts me differently each week, day, hour...I don't know how long this trigger will linger. Another difficult part of this is the fact that I sometimes don't know what to do to help myself and there's really not anything anyone can do to help me.
Moving forward into this week, I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to feel since I have been dissociative so much not just from being triggered by also from the increased chronic pain flares. I have to disassociate to be able to function and get my work done if it's possible--sometimes it's not.
I've gotten to the point where I just don't even care about anything anymore--in some sense. I am hurting all the time and don't have much capacity to stay connected to people as much as I used to and most people don't seem to have the capacity to stay connected either.
I think my pain and hurt drives people away actually, I think there is a lot of people that don't know how to talk to me because of how I talk and spread awareness about everything I am dealing with...how do you think I feel y'all? I think a part of that stems from people not knowing how to or not comfortable enough to talk about these things and that's the point. I understand and that's the point. Being comfortable is a privilege, we learn more from discomfort.
I'm just trying to let things roll off of me as best I can since nothing really matters when all of these larger things are at play.
I have been leaning on music and a new hobby/creative outlet. Two additional songs I have been listening to the past couple weeks that have been helping me cope are: a song for rage, a song for sadness/grief...
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