Cycle of thoughts.

This is hard to explain... I keep finding myself in these cycles of emotions over being ill. I will convince myself that I am fine and can get through the day but then I end up pushing myself a little too far. Then sometimes I will tell myself that I do need to slow down or that I should. I usually do but sometimes don't and then push myself to far. Even when I am having a good week or good day I push myself too far because I am actually, for once, feeling good. No matter what I tell myself I tend to bend and some days break my limits. Then I learn or say I learn and move on, just to do it. The. There are times when I think that I am going to just make a fool of myself and pass out or need to at least brace myself for the possibility. It usually doesn't happen. Sometimes it does. When it doesn't, I say to myself that I really am ok. But I am not because I could have enjoyed my time spent with someone or doing something and I didn't. I didn't fully enjoy my time because of the caution and worry that I put myself under. I can admit that it had to do with my stubbornness. I won't admit to myself and others that I am not ok. Because I do t like to hear that. I don't want to let others know that when I am with then that I am not fully enjoying my time because of my illness. I don't think a lot of these thoughts will change over the course of time. They haven't so far. But who knows our braindoes wonderous things.