Questions I ask.

There are many questions that I ask myself. Some I share with others and some I keep to myself. I feel the need to keep the most important questions to myself. Most of my questions pertain to the future and involve fear. I assume this is a normal thing that everyone experiences about life in general. I am talking about my health and how it will affect and already has affected my life. One of the most common questions that I have is: When is my next flare-up? When will I miss class again? When will I need to go to the ER again? How long with this treatment work? What if I have a flare-up right now? What would I do? Who would I call, in this moment? It is the more paranoid side that comes out in me and I am not going to lie, it freaks me out a little bit. I guess, it is a good thing to be mentally prepared and somewhat emotionally prepared if I were starting to not feel good and ask questions that could help me think and try to control the situation. It has happened. I have had a flare-up out of the blue in a public place. I thought I was going to black-out. When I feel like this I also ask myself: Will I black-out if I stand up? Who would help me? What would I do after I wake on lying weak on the floor? Do I tell someone? Do I text someone for help? Instead I just try to wait it out. I just sit there and wait for my symptoms to go away. I breath and try not to think about it. That is hard. One of the hardest parts about dealing with a flare-up is telling people. Either in person or with the use of technology. I hate being like I had a flare-up and couldn't do anything or couldn't make it to class. Or I don't know what to do because I have brain fog and can't think clearly. I have had to tell professors in person that I have all of a sudden I am very ill and may or may not need to go to the ER, to get some saline into my dehydrated body. There are even days where I take my meds and I drink my water where I have flare-ups. Those days are the scariest. During and even after a day like that I am set back. I am terrified for my future.  I hate to say it but I loose a little bit of my hope and faith. There are no right answers and I don't know where life will take me with this illness, but that's ok. I didn't choose this and I can't change it, I'll take it.