Dear (insert how I know you here),

I write this to explain myself and why I do the things I do and how this illness has changed my life.

Walking: Wow, you noticed I walk slower. Thanks (sarcasm, if you didn't notice). Yes, I walk slow, sometimes. If I am walking slower it is because my legs feel really weak. My legs can feel so weak sometimes that I feel like they are just going to give out. I also walk slower because I get really bad cramps and muscle spasms in my feet, legs, and hips. I also get joint pain in my hips and knees. Yes, that is POTS. I have already been tested for everything else. POTS is a weird disorder than affects pretty much everything. I can also be walking slower because I could be feeling dizzy, off-balance, or lightheaded.The last reason, is because if I walk to fast it can cause dizziness, lightheartedness, off-balance, and shortness of breath. Thanks for pointing out how slow I walk it makes me feel great. Not really, I hate it. I like it when a person asks me if I am ok, because they notice this. If you ask me how I am doing, that means that I probably didn't even notice how bad I am doing. It has happened before.

Stairs: One of my worst enemies, is the stairs. I usually have weak legs or just weak everything and that is one of the reasons I avoid the stairs. I also avoid them because I get dizzy, lightheaded, out of breath, and tachycardia when I take the stairs. The worst part about the stairs is that they can cause a flare-up for me. And those are really bad. I don't want that, nobody wants that. But sometimes I feel compelled to take the stairs to strengthen my legs.

Quietness: You noticed that I am quiet. Ok, yeah I probably feel like shit. I am probably in the middle of a flare-up and don't even want to tell anyone. I will probably leave to "go to the bathroom" is what I will tell you, but actually I am going to go try to catch my breath, cry a little, and tell myself that I can handle this in public, when I really can't and need to go lay down somewhere. Another reason I am quiet is because I am tired as fuck, like seriously this fatigue and physical exhaustion is terrible. It gets worse by the day.

Deep Breaths: You noticed that I am taking deep breaths otherwise known as sighs. Yeah, I am actually not feeling well and trying to catch my breath and normalize my heart rate and my sympathetic nervous system that is freaking out this very second. Or I just got done walking a long distance or up the stairs and I am actually trying to catch my breath, not because I am out of shape but because my autonomic nervous system is not working properly and is never working properly so it affects my breathing.

"Bathroom breaks/leaving the room at all:" A lot of the time when I say I am going to go to the bathroom, it actually means I am going to use the bathroom for its intended purposes of using the toilet. And I do use the bathroom a lot because of how much water I am supposed to drink. Another part of POTS is that my body doesn't retain water like it is supposed, therefore, I have to pee a lot. But sometimes if I am leaving the room it will be because I am having a flare-up and need to "group myself" which means I need to take deep breaths, sit down, and lie to myself by saying "you will get through this just like all the other times."

It is ok to ask if I am not feeling well. I will be honest. And honestly I probably won't be feeling well because that is how my POTS has been lately. It hasn't been treating me well.