"Sick girl"

It is hard to be honest to someone, sometimes, about how I am feeling physically and emotionally about my health and the situations it has put me in. I don't want to be that "girl," the over-dramatic "sick girl." Yeah, I can be somewhat over-dramatic sometimes when I am overly stressed and in a flare-up. I know that my mom and some friends who have seen me in my worst of flare-ups know how I can be. It is when I am at my worst. It sucks. It pisses me off. I get angry, then I cry. I should be crying more then I actally do. But I hold it in, I have to because I don't like crying in public. You get it...some days I feel like the "sick girl." That is why I don't like talking about it some days. Because I don't want to seem like that or seem like I am weak. This is because I actually feel weak. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because no one understands me. Some days, most days it is especially hard for me because all I want to talk about is how I am feeling. But that would be annoying for everyone. I do want to just scream and break out crying but I can't. I can't because then I am weak or I am in public. I really don't think that would make me weak but in the moment it feels like a weak decision. If I do talk to people when ever I feel like I need to it won't only be annoying but the feeling of being the "sick girl" will come off even more than it already has. I don't want that at all. So I will just keep quiet, that is one of the biggest lessons that I have learned from this illness; to just keep quiet. If I am quiet it is because I am just worried and thinking about how much I just don't feel well. I am trying to distract myself but sometimes those distractions don't work. Sometimes those distractions can be destructive. It is hard to find what works best. Sometimes it fails and it sets me back. It doesn't help. Then I just move onto something else.  There is definitely an unfillable void in my life right now. I think it has been there for awhile but I have just been avoiding the reality of my life.

 That is why I blog. I blog because it helps me not only feel better but I can get it all out. I can unload. It doesn't matter if someone is reading it or not. It do it for me and no one else but me. Well, at least posts like this. The updates and ER ones are for my family and friends. The blogging has been helping me fill parts of the void. It doesn't last long. But it is a start and a short-term fix and solution right now.