A Huge Shock

After I was diagnosed and started to tell close family and friends about my illness, they were all shocked. Most of them anyway, they were shocked because they didn't even know something was wrong with me in the first place. This is because I was and continue to be very good at hiding how I feel emotionally and physically. I didn't want anyone to know because the doctors didn't even think that there was anything wrong. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Then when I was finally diagnosed, I still had to try to figure out what I had. I had the name but the doctor didn't do a very good job at explaining what this did and what it was. So, I was still researching and trying to figure out what it was. It felt good to have a diagnosis but scary because it was such an unknown illness and it was hard to wrap my head around it. 

People didn't even know I was sick. That is why they were shocked to find out that I was. They didn't know I had been suffering from this illness for about four years before I was even diagnosed. I can believe it would be hard for them to find out that a young college girl is sick but looks completely fine on the outside. Sometimes it was even hard for me to wrap my head around how great I looked but how shitty I felt. 

Even before I was diagnosed, my mom knew I wasn't feeling good but she just didn't know how often. I didn't go into great detail with her about it because I didn't want to worry her. I didn't want to tell her about all the times I had to lay down or sit down because I thought I was going to pass out. Or about the times that I fell to the ground because I was too weak and almost passed out. It worried me but I didn't want to worry her. A mother shouldn't have to worry about her daughters health. That is not the way it should be at all. But it is the way life is. It is not fair.