We all have a 'self-destructive' part of us, sometimes I don't think we realize it. It is there, it is in our subconscious mind and it hurts us and those around us. Sometimes, it comes out into our conscious mind and it gets worse and you can't believe it took that long for it to come out. But then you realize in that same moment that it was there all along. It sucks. It is life. You can't really do anything about it. You can try to ask for help but then you feel weak even though you are being strong but that is a part of the self-destructiveness. It is also the loss of self-confidence and blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong and not giving yourself credit for the good things. It is hard to understand if you have never experienced it but then when you get it, when it happens to you, you understand. And you feel alone.
I have all of these words in my head, I just needed to write them down. I wasn't going to but decided to, just now. Lately, it has been very hard for me. Some of my friends know something is wrong but I don't know what to tell them. It is like everything on my life is collapsing in on itself. I have no motivation, I feel like I have no strength at all and I keep putting myself down and don't know what do. It is hard for me to keep conversations and to concentrate on having a conversation and actually doing 'normal' things. I just don't know what to do anymore. My family is going through a rough patch, my GPA is plummeting, some of my friends are not doing so well, I can't keep my room straight, I am just fucking up left and right, I just can't. I don't want to talk to my friends and family about it because I don't think they will understand at all.
I am at the point in my life where I am subconsciously tearing myself apart from the inside and outside of my life. I will not go see a therapist, I tried and I never understood that talking to a stranger could help. I mean not for me at least. Talking to a therapist, to me, is like biofeedback. It just doesn't make sense. I am constantly thinking about how much I hate my life right now. It doesn't make any sense but at the same time it does. I am only here because of friends and family. I have lost all confidence in myself. I don't want to be a burden on anybody. That is why I haven't told anybody about this. I have been struggling with this all semester. It has just been continuously getting worse.
I have not been thinking about taking care of myself at all. I have not been doing a good job at that at all. I have been doing things that I never thought I would ever do because I think to myself like "who even gives a fuck? what is the point? I am already sick? I am going to not live the full life I always thought I would. whatever 'living a full life' means." A lot of it is stuff from my past and everything else that is piling on and piling on....I have made a lot of realizations about my life this semester and they are honest and not good ones.
It is like I want to talk to someone about it but I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start, I don't know who I can trust. This is just a start. But I have not lost my hope. I know things will get better. They always do.
I have been self-destructing all semester and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I figured that writing this would make me feel better and it did like a little bit. I think the sad and sort of funny part about all this, is that nobody even knows. My friends and family don't know that I am self-destructive and that I am making questionable choices. They know I have had a hard semester but they don't know how bad it really is.
I know that as soon as they (friends and family) read this that they are going to try to help me and reach out to me. I don't want them too. It will just be overwhelming. I don't like it when people tell me how to live my life and what I can and cannot do. It is one of my biggest pet peeves. This post is sort of more of an awareness to them. This is what is going on in my life. Don't give me pity. I don't need it. I need prayer and love.
I think I am going to keep telling people that I am fine because I eventually will be. I hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment