On April 29, 2012, my grandpa Leo unexpectedly passed away. That day and the week that followed was the worst week of my life. It was an emotional roller coaster. It still continues to be an emotional roller coaster.
The four year anniversary of his death was last week. But two weeks ago, with the stress of the semester and personal life, I missed my grandfather so much. I felt and feel that HE is the only person that really, truly understands how hellish my life has been lately and what I have been through the last four years, since he has been gone. And that is what is so hard on me. I can't talk to him, at least I can but he won't respond and I can't hear his voice or see his facial expressions. It is almost as though I feel more connected to him now then I ever have when he was living.
Two weeks ago, I was visiting my grandmother, we were having family Easter. It was a bit late but that was the only time that worked for everyone. I was so overwhelmed and depressed that it was hard to even hold a conversation with someone. I need to leave, I did. I didn't know where I was going to go but I took my parents Jeep and left. First we went to a store, then we just drove out of town and that is when I realized what I NEEDED. I needed to see my grandfather. I couldn't even remember the last time that I had seen him. I turned the Jeep around and started driving towards the graveyard.
My brother was with me. I told him how overwhelmed I was and that I was sort of breaking down. I told him that I knew subconsciously that I was going to end up going to visit our grandfather. My brother is pretty amazing, he just sat in the passenger seat listening to me. He was quiet. I thought that he thought I was crazy and he probably has always thought that.
On our way to the graveyard, the song "7 years" comes on and before it even plays they radio host talks about how the songwriter wrote the song after his dad died unexpectedly at 60. That is the same age my grandfather unexpectedly died at. The song is about growing up and living life. It is one of my favorite songs right now. As soon as it started playing, that is when I started crying (not a lot, but a little bit).
We arrived to his headstone, I just collapsed and sobbed my eyes out. I talked to my brother about how I felt and told him that I needed it. I told him that I was glad he was there with me. It was amazing in one of the worst ways possible. It was a granddaughter still mourning the death of her grandfather after four years. It was a granddaughter asking her grandfather; "Why? Why me? When will it get better? What is going on with my and my life right now? When will it end? When can I see you?..." I sobbed and sobbed. It felt good to release the demon of emotions inside of me.
Then we left, we arrived back to my family. My curious family. wondering where I had been. Confused and worried but they got it. They understand how heartbreaking the loss of such a great man was and continues to be on our family. It tore us a part and we are finally getting our family back together and nobody in our family wants to admit that except me.
The point is; we all grief differently and we all continue to grief, no matter how long ago they passed away. When I told my friend a shorter version of this story, he said something along the lines of, "I want someone to care and love me that much. It is amazing how much you can love someone and have an impact on them in that kind of way." I thought to myself and sort of said out loud, "yeah, that would be great. It is sad but at the same time, I do want to have that kind of an impact on someone."
Now that I think about it, I think that is one of the reasons why we live and keep living, it is to impact people. Impact them in a great way, in a loving way. In a "I can't live with out you way."
I know, how much I love and miss my grandfather but at the same time my grandmother is now alone and she lived everyday of her life with that man. He is gone and she is alone. She knew him for such a long time. That I can't even image the greater loss and mourning she has done and will continue to do until they are reunited...
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