A Year Without Self-Harm

 TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, depression, rape, PTSD

I have been living with depression and anxiety since I was about ten years old--at least that's the earliest I can remember any symptoms. My mental health is something that fluctuates a lot. It exponentially got worse as I was growing older and experienced more trauma. 

I didn't start self-harming until I was in college after I was raped. I found many ways to harm myself and became more self destructive. In some ways, I didn't even realize how harmful I was to myself until I started going to therapy regularly. 

I had convinced myself that self-harm was the only way I could feel anything at all. I was emotionally numb and had fallen into a deep deep sadness and shame. My PTSD and mental health had gotten so out of hand, I felt self-harm was the only way I could feel and see the pain I was going through. I felt like I deserved it. Once I started I couldn't stop, or at least thought I couldn't stop. I was addicted.

I don't know the exact date but last August was the last time I self-harmed. I am very proud of myself for achieving something I never thought I would. I went through a lot to get here. I had to use many DBT skills in order to fight the urge to harm myself--it was not easy at all.

Achieving a year without self-harm is a huge step towards my mental health recovery. I was in therapy twice a week (individual and group) for nine months and it was a big commitment and tough work. Now I am down to once a week. I had to quit group therapy but that's an entirely different story. 

Before I started DBT and group therapy, I could say that I was committed but I probably didn't mean it. Or I meant it but didn't think I would actually get better--be a better person, a person without self-destructive behaviors. I still have self destructive thoughts and probably some behaviors but I am doing a much better job of managing and recognizing them without putting them into action. For example, I have not been drinking any alcohol for almost six months--which I consider a self-destructive behavior. 

In the mental health world, to heal yourself, you need to rewire your brain. When I first heard this, it made sense to me but seemed impossible for me. I have learned in the past year that it was possible for me and requires a lot of work like using DBT skills, asking for help, and practicing self-care everyday. I know I am not done with my recovery and will always be working on bettering myself. 

To rewire the brain, you have to come out of unhealthy thought and behavior patterns. I had to rewire my brain not to want to hurt or destroy the body it inhabits. I had to rewire my brain to redirect negative thoughts about myself. Learning this skill was not easy after the years of torment my brain had gone through and the many unhealthy patterns it had fallen into during and after trauma. I was almost in a constant state of crisis and survival. I had to learn how to come out of that so I could live my life.

Writing this blog post honestly astonishes me--that it has been an entire year without self-harm. I am not going to lie to you, I have thought about self-harm a lot in this past year. But I haven't thought about it everyday, those negative self-harm thoughts have become more quiet and faded away. They have basically become whispers. I still have really bad days when they become screams and I haven't given into those thoughts. 

Part of the problem solving is realizing that they are just thoughts--thoughts come and go. They do not have to be put into action. You can have a thought and just let it go--like it was never there, or you can take note of it. You can talk about it in therapy and learn new skills about how to keep that voice quiet and learn how to distract yourself. Or call someone for help. Distractions help me the best! Talking to friends and family that want to support me or finding something fun to do with someone I love helps me. Getting lost in a show, doing chores around my apartment, and being creative are things that help me too.

Now the challenging part for me is to continue this life without self-harm. Like any addiction, you have to take it one day at a time. I have to keep using these skills I have learned and keep leaning on my loved ones for support when I need to. 

Yesterday, I finished Season 5, of the hit show Better Call Saul, there is a quote about living with trauma in the last episode. Mike, a fan-favorite character says to Saul, "Here's what's gonna happen: One day you're going to wake up, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, go about your business. And sooner or later, you're gonna realize, you haven't thought about it. None of it. And that's the moment you realize that you can forget. When you know that's possible, it all gets easier." 

When I heard this quote I knew exactly what he meant because I have felt that way. I have realized I can live my life with the trauma I have endured. I know I will never forget what happened to me and how I have been treated in this life. But I will have moments or even days where I forget my trauma because I am living my life for today and embracing possibility. 

**You are not alone, someone loves you, and you deserve the world. Please reach out for help if you need it, you do not have to fight this fight alone. 

If you are having thoughts of self-harm/suicide call your therapist or the National Suicide Hotline #1-800-273-8255

If you have experienced rape/sexual assault call the National Sexual Assault Hotline #1-800-656-4673