You're Not You

My illness is a huge part of my life, I live with it every day. When you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, many people say to you “you are not your illness.” I have heard it many times. Along with, “don’t let it control your life,” or “it will get better.” First, I may not be my illness but my illness is defiantly me. Second, how the hell can I not let my illness control my life? It is an illness! An illness that I will have for the rest of my life. That is what ‘chronic’ means. I really hate to say that, but it is true. Third, you do not know if it will get better. It may be better some days. But on the days it is not, those days are awful. I feel so alone, weak, and useless. Those are the hardest days. Finally, when you’re diagnosed, it is like a weight has been lifted. This is because I finally know why I have been feeling like complete shit for the last four years and it explains every little unexplained symptom that put off my diagnosis for so long. You’re not you. After you are diagnosed, you are no you anymore. You are (insert chronic illness(es) here). You are paranoid, thinking about treatment options, wondering when and where you will be when you are symptomatic, and if the people around you know about it or how they would react if something did happen. You are not you in the aspects of your mentally, emotionally, and physically not you anymore. Although, you may physically look like you have always looked you sure as hell don’t feel like you have always felt. You are not that girl you used to be before the diagnosis. You know the signs and symptoms to look for to prevent yourself from getting worse and ending up in the ER. You are that girl that is paranoid about every little aspect of your day and how much energy it will take out of your day. Your illness does control your life because it is always in you and on your mind. Because if it wasn’t then how would you be able to take care of yourself. You are that label of yourself. Whatever label you put on yourself… it may be the name of your illness, it may be how you are currently feeling, how you know other people look at you, or how you think other people see you. I personally will always think labels are a good thing because that way you will never lose something and you will always know exactly what it is and stands for. But don’t live by that label. Your whole perspective changes, in many ways when you are diagnosed. It continues to change when you hear others stories about their illness. It will every day you live with your illness.